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Veröffentlicht Isger Haubold | Mittwoch, 27. September 2017

An exchange of admiring glances or a bit of light-hearted flirtatious banter can brighten the day, raise self-esteem and strengthen social bonds. This report is, as far as we know, an account of the first ever study that has been commissioned by Freemasons from a non-Masonic body. We show attitudes such as liking and disliking not by what we say but by the way we say it and the posture, gestures and expressions that accompany our speech.

When flirting, you should therefore watch out for signs of this 'non-verbal leakage' in your partner's posture — and try to send the right signals with your own posture. Research has also shown that men have a tendency to mistake friendly behaviour for sexual flirting. Many flirtatious encounters are of naturally short duration — where it is understood that there are no serious intentions, merely an ego-boosting acknowledgement of mutual attraction. If your target responds to your comment with a reply of the same length or longer, this is a good sign.

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Feelings can also be hidden under a 'social' smile, a 'stiff upper lip' or a blank, 'inscrutable' expression. Journalists and personnel managers are taught to ask questions beginning with these words in interviews, to encourage job candidates and sources to give detailed replies, but they are equally effective in informal social conversation — particularly in flirting! In this case, your goal in 'closing' is to secure not a contract or a sale, but the chance to meet again. You can therefore approach a bit closer than 'arm's length' if you are alongside your target — at the bar counter of a pub, for example — rather than face-to-face. Flirting would not, however, be such a universal feature of human interaction if it did not occasionally serve some more long-term purpose — such as sex, reproduction, the survival of the species, etc.

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Subtle hints and positive body-language will help you to get to this point, and careful observation of your partner's reactions will tell you whether your 'closing' is likely to be successful, but these techniques cannot, by themselves, get you a phone number or a date! Fortunately, most of these facial signals are habitual, and do not have to be consciously manufactured, but some awareness of your facial expressions can help you to monitor their effect and make minor adjustments to put your target more at ease, for example, or hold his or her attention, or increase the level of intimacy. In the same way, if you are genuinely attracted to your flirting partner, and want to see him or her again, none of the flirting skills in this Guide will be much use unless you can 'close' effectively. Taking your turn when your companion has not given any vocal 'turn-yielding cues', even if he or she has finished a sentence, will be perceived as interruption, and is equally irritating. At the risk of rejection, this is the moment when you must be explicit about your wishes. Even just a few nods can significantly improve your chances, both in interviews and in flirtatious conversation.

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Flirting is by definition a light-hearted, playful form of interaction. Even if your target does not find you attractive and declines your invitation to talk, you will avoid causing offence and you will avoid the humiliation of a direct rejection. There are also cultural and even regional differences in the amount of emotion people express with their faces. We would not suggest, for example, that a woman in a mini-skirt should 'echo' the open-legged sitting posture of her male companion.

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The third clue to insincerity is in the timing of the smile: In fact, a great deal of vital social information has been exchanged. Men generally tend to be less critical of their own physical appearance than women.

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What you have to say may be fascinating, and you may express it with great eloquence, but if you have not grasped the basic social skills involved in conversational turn-taking, you will be perceived as arrogant and unpleasant, and neither your target nor anyone else will enjoy your company. If you get a short, high-pitched, clipped Good evening, or a monotone, expressionless version, your target is probably not interested in you. Women, however, need to be even more cautious in their use of sexual humour, as men will be inclined to interpret this as a sign of sexual availability. Men respond particularly well to this form of humour, as it closely resembles the 'mock-arguments' and good-humoured exchanges of insults which are their normal means of expressing friendship among themselves.

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Analysis of thousands of personal ads — where people are more explicit about their requirements, and more obviously conscious of the requirements of others — shows that these are the qualities most frequently demanded and offered by mate-seekers. If even this most innocuous of touches produces a negative reaction — such as pulling the arm away, increasing distance, frowning, turning away or other expressions of displeasure or anxiety — you might as well give up now. You are of course free to dismiss this suggestion as hopelessly old-fashioned, sexist, pandering to double-standards, etc. Verbal flirting Although your target's initial impressions of you will depend more on your appearance, body language and voice than on what you actually say, successful flirting also requires good conversation skills. The only way to find out is by close observation of your target's behaviour towards others. The distance you keep from the other person when flirting is important, because it will affect his or her impression of you, and the quality of your interaction.

Because stating intentions and feelings verbally involves a high risk of embarrassment or possible rejection, non-verbal behaviour becomes the main channel of communication. We need constant reassurance that we are liked and appreciated by the object of our attraction, and smiles and laughter provide that reassurance. If you frequently end sentences on a rising or falling intonation, with a drop in volume, and then carry on without allowing your companion to speak, he or she will become frustrated. These include eye-contact signals remember that people look away more when they are speaking, so when they look back at you, this often indicates that it is your turn and vocal signals such as rising or falling intonation, with a drop in volume. Even in the longer term, a capacity for light-hearted playfulness is important. If your target does not find you attractive, more elaborate efforts will be no more effective.

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Men should not assume that it necessarily indicates sexual interest, however. Even in the longer term, a capacity for light-hearted playfulness is important. These are signs of attentiveness and interest or liking. Facial expression An ability to 'read' and interpret the facial expressions of your partner will improve your chances of successful flirting, as will awareness of what you are signalling with your own expressions. At the risk of rejection, this is the moment when you must be explicit about your wishes.

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Until now, their fascinating findings have been buried in obscure academic journals and heavy tomes full of jargon and footnotes. Like every other human activity, flirting is governed by a complex set of unwritten laws of etiquette. Women, however, need to be even more cautious in their use of sexual humour, as men will be inclined to interpret this as a sign of sexual availability.

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Different touches can be used to express agreement, affection, affiliation or attraction; to offer support; to emphasise a point; to call for attention or participation; to guide and direct; to greet; to congratulate; to establish or reinforce power-relations and to negotiate levels of intimacy. The studies and experiments show that men perceive women who take the initiative in asking a man out as more sexually available. In other words, you should not be afraid of paying simple, unflowery compliments such as That's a nice jacket or That colour really suits you, as they can be very effective. Research shows that men find it particularly difficult to interpret the more subtle cues in women's body-language, and tend to mistake friendliness for sexual interest.

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